Once again I have intercepted the written address that President Obama will be making this coming Tuesday evening and have reproduced select portions of it here so that nobody should be surprised at what the president is going to say.
“My fellow Americans, it is clear that Global Terror is a major concern to all of us and my administration has gone to great lengths to curb the spread of terror around the world if you don't count Libya. We have dealt a major blow to terrorists everywhere under my administration but there is one major concern. These terrorist organizations are using our inherent God-given freedoms against us. They are exploiting our open society, system of laws and freedoms of travel, expression and pursuit of happiness and using this against us. So in order to deal terror a final blow, going forward during the time that’s left in my administration we will close those misguided loopholes in the U.S. Constitution so nobody will have these rights. That’ll show those terrorists, when nobody has rights, we win! Just ask Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner, he's on board with it.”
“And so now that the Republicans, by a wide majority vote of the American people, have taken control of both the House of Representatives and the Congress, I won’t be dealing with either of them anymore unless they should want to do things my way. It stands to reason, after all since I am the President and they are not the President. Instead I will just make my proposals directly to the American people who still listen to me and just order my government minions, those who still depend on me for a paycheck, to do my bidding. I won’t actually have to make a law or sign anything, I can just tell the government agency in charge to look the other way, like with my Cuba policy. I just say “Ignore those laws that were passed by a free and open process all those years ago in ancient history and just let people go to Cuba.” And it happens. What a country! Who cares if they will be in violation of the law, I’ll only pardon them later.”
“On the home front, we here at the White House feel that people should have more time off. We propose mandating that companies big and small give those still working mandatory paid time off. I know many people who aren’t working right now would like less time off but that really isn’t the point. I also propose raising the Federal Minimum Wage to $27.50 an hour just because everybody deserves a raise.”
“The nation doesn't need the Keystone Pipeline. Now that, despite my administrations every effort to keep oil production off of federal land, gasoline prices have come back to normal, the good times will never end and we no longer need that pipeline any more than we need that one in Alaska. The nation’s future energy needs are assured with wind, solar and now cheap oil; the good times will never end. With all this energy there is no need to think about the future. I know that’s what they said in 1970 but here we are today with cheap fuel, so what if the road got a little bumpy along the way?”
“The economy is almost fully recovered from the crash of 2007. We have created millions and millions of jobs in this country. It’s just jobs, jobs, jobs everywhere you look; it’s all over the news. The way the economy is steaming along, unemployment will soon be under 5.0% which will be lower than at any time in the last three decades. Eventually the unemployment rate will be so low that nobody will be working.”
“Also I haven’t given away any free stuff for a while so I propose not only universal full-day kindergarten in our government schools but I also feel that public colleges should be free too. That’s right, everybody should have a degree! And when you graduate college, you can step right into one of those great jobs that my administration keeps saying has been created. Good luck with that.”
“And furthermore, it is my understanding that someone somewhere in this great nation doesn't have the Internet! I have now decreed that we will be setting up our own Internet to give to people who feel that paying for the service is just too much of a burden. The NSA has graciously volunteered to host these new Internet services and will house the servers and domain services right at their headquarters here in Washington. Isn't that just great?!”
“And don’t worry about how we’re going to pay for all this; the GOVERNMENT will pay for it, not taxpayers. It’s the government’s money, after all, that will build these institutions. Taxpayers won’t have to pay a dime, I promise.”
"May God bless the United States of America."