Once again I have obtained a partial copy of President Obama’s State of the Union speech next Tuesday and am leaking it three days ahead of schedule.
Here it is:
My fellow Americans, today we find our nation on the upswing! Everything is fine! Ok, things could be more fine but really, everything is going great. Just look, we’re dropping the unemployment rate figures on a weekly basis. Pretty soon the rate will be 0.0% and that will mean we will in fact be entering a “Golden Age”. The Golden Age of Obama! Isn’t that wonderful? But wait, there’s more…
We will do more to get people working! We will entice more private companies to join a “Partnership” with government if they know what’s good for them, to create even more “shovel ready” jobs. Just like last time. And maybe this time I won't have to threaten them with IRS audits or Justice Department investigations!
Oh yeah, and if Congress doesn’t act, I will raise the minimum wage myself to $ 12.00 an hour. And why not? If you can’t find a job paying $ 7.25 an hour, you’ll look a whole lot better on paper being out of work for $ 12.00, right? No, don’t thank me yet, there’s even more…
If you are out of work and just haven’t felt like looking for one of these 9 million jobs we used to have in this country, your government will keep the unemployment checks coming for a third year and double your food stamp allowance. And if you should feel like you really should get out of the house, we will now create and fund new “Job Training” centers so you can learn from the best that government has to offer. Our NSA and Covert Operations apprenticeships are filling up fast.
And about these so called ‘Illegal Immigrants” running around our country, 11 million of ‘em they tell me, well I’m just going to go ahead and make them all legal. That’s right, they shouldn’t have to abide by legal immigration rules just because others before them have, they are yearning to get free benefits so to not want them here collecting benefits and mowing lawns on the side, well that’s downright mean spirited I’d say. By keeping them on the public benefit plan I’d say that would be a hell of a voting group to overcome, eh?
And this leads me to another thing bothering me: Income Inequality! People work hard. People who work at McDonald’s work harder and they should get the same stock options and benefits that the CEO of the company gets. That’s right, it’s not their fault the only jobs out there right now are these crumby minimum wage fast food jobs, it’s mine. So to correct this inadvertent and unforeseen consequence of my own fiscal policies, I will command that these people make more money. Where's my pen?
And for women, it doesn’t matter that women are making the most money in the work force and have reached a higher level of autonomy and independence in this country than ever before, I’m going to fix that!
And as I was coming here today through the cold and the snow I could not help but think that man-made Global Warming…er, I mean man-made “Climate Change”, excuse me, is the BIGGEST threat to our nation, right up there with the Tea Party, Edward Snowden and a Successful Russian Winter Olympics.
We’ve got to do something about this in a hurry and if I’m re-elected…I mean, sorry, I misspoke, if Congress doesn’t act I will sign an executive order to stop the exhalation of non-oxygen gases from all that emit them. With the exception of all branches of government and the U.S. Mint.
As for foreign policy, I think we’ve had a pretty good year with the exception of Libya, Afghanistan, Iran, Israel, Russia, Syria, China, France, England and Iraq. And although it’s getting harder by the month, I’m confident we will eventually find another country to screw with so we can test out more communications surveillance equipment and satellite guided drone missiles which are major parts of our foreign policy strategy. Whoa, I feel safer already.
The infrastructure of our nation is crumbling so I propose that we increase expenditures to make our roads and bridges better so that businesses can get their products to market and people can get to work on time and it doesn't matter so much if you no longer have a job to go to or a marketplace to take your products to, those roads, built by workers loyal to your government, will look so fine!
We will continue to subsidize green jobs, continue to choose which businesses are viable ones and that we want in our country and we will continue to pursue our enemies here on U.S. soil and, well, here on U.S. soil mostly, yeah.
Yes, with the Government on your side, you cannot fail. We will take care of everything. We will expand the economy, we will feed your kids, we will give them a good home and we will educate them too. With the power of all invasive government, we can make sure that you all will be well taken care of and so don’t worry, we’ve got it covered.
Just like always.