New Obama Strategy: Arm Everyone in Middle East!

“This really will solve a lot of problems.” 

So says U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry. “This way, everyone in the region has a chance to defend themselves from radical Islam.”

Mr. Kerry elaborates, “Since ISIL is now the best armed military force in the region thanks to the Iraqi military running away and leaving their U.S. supplied tanks, shoulder-fired rockets and other nefarious high-end devices of death to be picked up by this latest radical militant group, the United States has no choice but to now give EVEN BETTER weapons to somebody else in the hope that they can stop their advance. It's just common sense."

"It doesn't matter who we give weapons to really. All anyone has to do is take a pledge not to use them against U.S. troops in the future and it's “Here you go, boys!”.

Have a laser guided Hellfire missile installation! Here, take a couple of trunks full of night vision goggles! We were only going to give them to the Day County South Dakota police department anyway so that they could intimidate people who cross the street in the center of town against the light.” Says Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson, “We just have so much of this war stuff lying around, it would be a waste not to use it for SOMETHING.”

U.S. State Department spokesperson Marie Harf sums up the situation, “First the U.S. arms the regime of Bashir Assad. Then Assad falls out of favor so the U.S. government was forced to arm all the different opposition groups trying to overthrow Assad. In this manner the U.S. also is arming ISIL opposition groups even though they too are radical Muslims. We supplied military arms to the opposition groups in Libya who were working to overthrow Muammar Gaddafi too. Unfortunately, these were the same people who attacked the U.S. Embassy building there, killing ambassador Christopher Stevens along with agents Sean Smith, Tyrone Woods and Glen Doherty, but those are the chances you take when you are try to win the war on terror, right?”

John McCain, U.S. Senator from the state of Arizona had this to say about his full endorsement of the new Obama military policy, “Since these radicals have very sophisticated weapons now, it is the obligation of the United States to keep arming opposition groups. What these groups are actually opposed to is not the point. As long as they are opposed to killing people, they are the people to arm and hopefully they will only kill for peace.”

Whitehouse Chief of Staff Denis McDonough explains the implementation of the new strategy, “With so many splintered groups opposing not only ISIL, Assad and Al Qaeda, the Pentagon has just decided to drop weapons into the desert and let whoever finds them form their own opposition group. They’re just going to shoot somebody anyway.” 

“And why wouldn't ISIL want U.S. weapons?” asks the rhetorical U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder, “We make the most sophisticated weapons in the world. Nobody is even close, except maybe for China but you have Bill Clinton to thank for that. Just think about it, we can hover a heavily armed drone above your house for 20 hours a day almost anywhere in the world so when you eventually come out to walk the dog, Blamo! You never even know what hit you! How cool is that?”

Mr Holder goes on, “It’s not important who gets killed by these weapons but that somebody is putting them to use. Weapons are a big export of the United States and as long as somebody is using them, we can make more. It’s good for the economy. Hell, we've been giving them away to Mexico for years.”, he states proudly.

Vice President Joe Biden adds, “What’s the difference if people in the Middle East are killing each other with knives or top-of-the-line high powered sniper rifles? They’re just as dead, right?” In this part of the world we see a niche and we work to fill it, that’s what we do!

President Obama hopes to just declare this new strategy the law anytime now.