Obama: Syria Deal Was My Idea!

Below are some of the more prominent excerpts of President Obama's speach to the nation last night in which he outlined his idea of having the Assad regime turn over their gas stockpile to a neutral country.
 

 My fellow Americans:

“Although I still really want to bomb Syria into dust to make up for my administration's past mistakes in this region, this plan would be the best thing for the Middle East and I am really glad I thought of it.”, said the president.

“But by not responding to Assad’s alleged chemical attack, that may or may not have occurred just outside of the Syrian city of Demascus, and that may or may not have resulted in the deaths of 1400 people, 498 who very well could have been children, and who may or may not have been killed at all would be a travesty of justice.”

"I mean, facts are facts, if we don't choose to believe these allegations then how can we use them as an excuse to do what we want in the Middle East? We can't take these rumors of abuse of power lying down."

“But in the sole interest of peace, on the advice and council of Secretary of State John F. Kerry, I have instructed my Russian counterpart, Vladimir Putin, to put forth the proposal that Mr. Assad give up his stockpile of gas weapons. It’s the right thing to do.”

“I would also like to appeal to America’s overtapped potential for outrage by siting the use of gas in World War I and the Holocaust even though it has no bearing whatsoever on what is going on today in Syria's civil conflct mainly because we had proof back then that everybody was using gas during those world wars and we don’t really have anything beyond a sliver of an allegation today in a country that is no direct threat to the United States.

But lets not get caught up in minutia.

It is my profound hope that by drawing this imaginary line from the past to the present will somehow get me the votes I need in the House of Representatives so that I can bring proper destruction to Syria the only way a guy like me can since the U.S economy is in such a crappy state of affairs under my leadership and my administration is so deeply corrupt that I have to keep bombing Middle Eastern nations and needlessly killing their people so that the mostly disinterested people of the United States of America will not catch on.”

“And furthermore, if this doesn’t help, then I will rely upon my national media Apparatchiks to float the scenario that if Congress doesn’t let me bomb Syria like I truly need to do, that the American presidency will somehow be diminished and that America itself will lose its place in the world as the top nation that bombs the crap out of other countrys every time a sitting president gets in hot water at home. I hope it doesn't come to this."

"I mean, where would we be as a nation if we had to give up our God given right to do this?” 

“As a side note, I have called the Nobel Peace Prize Committee this morning and have told them that the medal they gave me 8 ½ months into my first term is in the mail to them Return Receipt Requested.”

Thank you all and God Bless America under my Presidency.